I Should. I Know. But I’m Not.

womens_march_on_versailles01

I was having a drink with my friend Liza and the subject of the Women’s March On Washington came up.

Liza:      Are you going?

Naomi: I feel like I should, but I know I’m not.

Liza:      I’d like to go.

Naomi: You can stay with my parents.

Liza:      Thanks. You won’t come?

Naomi: Well, here’s the thing. I’ve done the pro-Choice marches, the Labor Day marches and I think one other. I don’t know, maybe I just got caught in a motorcade when I lived in DC and thought it was a march. Anyway, the buses and trains from New York are going to be packed, and we’d have to go down on the Friday, which would be extra sucky. And really, if I’m being honest, I think it’s my denial that’s keeping me away. If I don’t go to the March, then the March didn’t happen, and if the March didn’t happen it means Trump didn’t get elected, and that’s really how I want to live. That, and, well, laziness.

monkeyYes, I admit it, I’m too lazy to go and stand up for my gender. Does that make me sad, yes. But it’s not just laziness, really, it’s also the looming crowd scene. So. Many. People. And there’s never anywhere to go to the bathroom. And protesting while having to pee feels more like punishment than activism.

And then there will be the protesters protesting the protesters and chances are I’ll lose my cool, engage someone in “conversation,” end up calling them names, and the whole thing will end in violence because they just don’t get it and refuse to listen, and I’ll literally want to beat some sense in to them, so I’ll take a swing, break my hand, end up in jail, get a record and then the chances of me ever getting a full-time job will go from ridiculously hard to good luck with that Naomi.

For the record then, it’s not laziness keeping me from the March, it’s the need for a full-time job. Wow, I feel so much better about myself already.

my-favorite

photo credit: Liza Schoenfein

I’m not sure if Liza is going or not, but if she chooses not to, or for that matter, if anyone I know chooses not to go, just let me know and I will give you an excellent reason why it’s just not feasible for you to attend. This is a free service.

Meanwhile, anyone know how I can be cryogenically frozen for the next four years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “I Should. I Know. But I’m Not.

  1. Nadja Sonnenberg says:

    Okay I’m not going either! Can you give me a free excuse please? C’mon….these day I’m easy!

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

    • Naomi Major says:

      Dear Ms. Sonnenberg. Thank you for requesting your free excuse. I suggest, when asked why you are not attending the March, you reply with something along these lines:

      Due to my weak retina, inherited from my mother, although I’m not actually blaming her, I am without sight in one eye. At the moment, there is still a chance my retina can be salvaged, but only if I undertake tasks which do not cause any sudden movements to the area surrounding said eye i.e. my head. Were I to attend a march, with hundreds of thousands of people, there is a very good chance I will be jostled and thus blinded forever. I want my rights, but I also want my sight. The two words may rhyme well, but in reality the definition of said words are in direct conflict with my immediate visual needs.

      If pressed further, that you can wear protective headgear, you can add the following (truth is malleable at this point). Alas, I could not get a seat on a bus, train or plan and I am not permitted to drive. Yes, I’m very sad as well.

      Best of luck to you, please advise if you need further assistance.

      Like

  2. Erin Doxsey-Whitfield says:

    While the primary excuse I am not attending is that I live some 3,800 km away, I would appreciate a secondary excuse on the odd chance that someone requests it. TIA.

    Like

    • Naomi Major says:

      Dear Ms. Doxsey-Whitfield. Thank you for requesting your free excuse. I suggest, when asked why you are not attending the March, you reply with something along these lines:

      Although I believe the distance, in addition to the cost of the flight and accommodations, are valid reasons why not to attend, you seem to think these are simple obstacles to overcome. I hear you. Thank you for sharing. But, in addition to the prior stated reasons, I also cannot attend due to my overwhelming fear of politicians. I have actually been diagnosed as having, what has come to be known as, Kissingerobia. Initially it was thought to be a reaction to government buildings, but this was disproven when I accidentally tripped over Mayor Bloomberg one fine Sunday in Ft. Tyron Park. Although I was not physically harmed, I developed welts the size of cronuts that did not abate for several weeks. To test said theory, I took the train to Albany one day and hung around the State House for an hour. Robin had to come get me. I placed in a medically-induced coma for a week. So you see, going to Washington DC to march for my rights, and the rights of everyone who is not a Straight White Male with Money is something that I am desperate to do, but the percentage of politicians to humans is just to great a risk for me to undertake. The trip could literally kill me.

      Like

  3. Barbara Sutton says:

    FYI: Bethany and her friend and colleague Nancy Peckford are going and are quite excited about it. Will let you know how it goes. And that’s a great photo of you!

    oxxooxo B

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

  4. Erin Doxsey-Whitfield says:

    Bingo! Kissingerobia! That’s perfect 🙂

    Like

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