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MY SURVIVAL PLAN

screen-shot-2017-01-25-at-10-50-07-amI’ve decided to become an expert, but I’m not exactly sure what the subject of my expertise will be.

After the inauguration I said I would go back to reading the news, but that’s not working out so well. I read a headline, my heart rate rises. I read a couple of sentences and my stomach gets all knotted up. And if I fully invest in the whole article? Haven’t tried. I just don’t see how it could end well.

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It’s too risky to continue to drop by BuzzFeed for a quiz because they feature headlines of real news. Plus, I think I’ve actually done all their quizzes. Facebook has also become a problem as all my friends keep posting the latest Executive Actions of Doom.

So an expert, I shall become.

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Just to be clear,  I’m not a big fan of willful ignorance, it can have disastrous consequences, (as an example, you know, for argument’s sake, let’s say our current government) hence the quest for expertise. I’ll be uninformed in one arena, but over -informed in another. It’s all about the balance.

My expertise needs to be knowledge based, as opposed to an actual sport or craft. This is for when I’m at work, and need the distraction. Or at home and I’m tempted to read the news and need an alternative click choice.  I’ve narrowed down the criteria for choosing a subject matter:

-A wide range of trivial facts so I’ll look much smarter at Pub Quiz.

-Good anecdotes with which to regale my friends when they are sad because they read the news.

-Something that sounds impressive, although actually being impressive is optional.

-Something that will not make me angry-that’s a good one for eliminating subjects. Out goes Western Religion; Politics; Economics; American History and Modern War (as opposed to say, Greek Wars because they’re ancient, there were no guns and they had some really fancy outfits).

soldiers

Expert topics currently under consideration:

-Hockey

-Textiles

-Dolphins

-Mid 17th Century North American Fur Trade

-Human Anatomy

-Fruits of the World

So far I’m leaning towards Hockey or Anatomy but  I’m open to suggestions. I suppose I could say I was crowd sourcing…but I’m not going to. I will reveal my decision, and some new facts, in my next post.

In the meantime, say it it with me people:

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I Should. I Know. But I’m Not.

womens_march_on_versailles01

I was having a drink with my friend Liza and the subject of the Women’s March On Washington came up.

Liza:      Are you going?

Naomi: I feel like I should, but I know I’m not.

Liza:      I’d like to go.

Naomi: You can stay with my parents.

Liza:      Thanks. You won’t come?

Naomi: Well, here’s the thing. I’ve done the pro-Choice marches, the Labor Day marches and I think one other. I don’t know, maybe I just got caught in a motorcade when I lived in DC and thought it was a march. Anyway, the buses and trains from New York are going to be packed, and we’d have to go down on the Friday, which would be extra sucky. And really, if I’m being honest, I think it’s my denial that’s keeping me away. If I don’t go to the March, then the March didn’t happen, and if the March didn’t happen it means Trump didn’t get elected, and that’s really how I want to live. That, and, well, laziness.

monkeyYes, I admit it, I’m too lazy to go and stand up for my gender. Does that make me sad, yes. But it’s not just laziness, really, it’s also the looming crowd scene. So. Many. People. And there’s never anywhere to go to the bathroom. And protesting while having to pee feels more like punishment than activism.

And then there will be the protesters protesting the protesters and chances are I’ll lose my cool, engage someone in “conversation,” end up calling them names, and the whole thing will end in violence because they just don’t get it and refuse to listen, and I’ll literally want to beat some sense in to them, so I’ll take a swing, break my hand, end up in jail, get a record and then the chances of me ever getting a full-time job will go from ridiculously hard to good luck with that Naomi.

For the record then, it’s not laziness keeping me from the March, it’s the need for a full-time job. Wow, I feel so much better about myself already.

my-favorite

photo credit: Liza Schoenfein

I’m not sure if Liza is going or not, but if she chooses not to, or for that matter, if anyone I know chooses not to go, just let me know and I will give you an excellent reason why it’s just not feasible for you to attend. This is a free service.

Meanwhile, anyone know how I can be cryogenically frozen for the next four years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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